For weeks, I've been writing this post on and off. Before that, I debated for months whether or not to write about a wonderful resolution I received to a very difficult-for-me trial. As you can see from my post's title, I decided to publish it! While this is a very personal post, I share it in the hopes that my struggle and happy resolution could help others. :)
It's no secret that
I love and adore babies—oh, they are so heavenly, sweet and wonderful! I still claim that statement even when babies are crying or causing distress to others! Ha ha.
I love all babies no matter what! :)
My love of babies and children were manifest at a very early age. My earliest memories of how much I love babies go all the way back to when I was a little over two years old. While I couldn't have my own real-life baby, I had a favorite baby doll that I
lived with! I literally took her everywhere with me! As my years progressed, I continued to play with all sorts of dolls—including Barbies and porcelain dolls, but baby dolls were still my favorite.
When I was an older teenager, I couldn't wait to become an adult, get married and start a family with my
one true love—it was my biggest goal in life! Please let me assure you that no one ever "brainwashed" me into that way of thinking. I clarify my position (again) simply because there are a lot of misconceptions about my church (
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) in the ways it "promotes" motherhood. I say that because a few months ago, I listened to a podcast on that very subject: Motherhood in the Church. The podcast panelists weren't very positive about their views of how the Church presents motherhood to its members—which is why I won't be linking to the podcast from my blog! Ha ha. (I became
so riled while listening to those ladies, I was barely able to finish the podcast!) So, yes, I have always
loved babies; motherhood was
my greatest wish and desire! :) No one put the idea in my head...no one pressured me to want to bear and raise children.
I came to this earth with unconditional love and a true desire to care for every baby—it is innate in my soul and will never go away! :)
Enter the day I knew by
spiritual means that I was done having children: I was devastated. You see, I had always wanted to have (give birth to)
at least four children. Greg had also always thought about being the father to four children. I love that we were (and are) so in sync with each other! I even planned out our pregnancy timing
if Greg and I decided to have five or six babies! :)
The best part of the first spiritual experience I received—of knowing I was done having children—was when I shared my knowledge with Greg. As I was telling him about my spiritual experience that led me to know
without reservation that our family was
complete, Greg literally
finished my sentence! For Greg, too, had had the
exact same spiritual experience as me—and it happened a mere 45 minutes before mine! We were amazed at our discovery! The worst part of my spiritual experience was digesting that Greg also
knew without
any doubts that our family was complete...I just
really didn't want to admit that we were done having children!
Our remarkable and identical spiritual experiences should have been
enough for me, but I struggled desperately with our answer. Over the next (nearly) two years, I had a few additional
significant spiritual experiences that showed me
again that Greg's and my family was
complete. Each and
every time I prayed, fasted, read my scriptures, and went to the temple about my little family (to know if our family was
for sure complete), I received the
same answer from the Holy Ghost:
your family is complete. Oh, our
Heavenly Father was
so patient with me! :) He continually and tenderly loved and cared for my
sad mama soul.
To help me cope with the
finality of my reality (That's a nifty phrase, isn't it?!), I had my mom write me a letter. I asked her to help me see the other good/important qualities, talents and abilities I possessed that
weren't tied up in my children. You see, my identity was
very attached to my desires and ability to birth and raise children well—refer to my second and fifth paragraphs, above. :)
I'm
not being prideful when I say that I'm a
good mother. I'm not perfect, but I really try
so hard every day to be a good mama. :) As I've stated many times before,
I view being a mother as my ultimate career! My nannying, babysitting and volunteering years trained me well. I learned through day-in and day-out experience at multiple homes and schools what works
best in raising children.
I was definitely
prepared to be a mother and was successful with the three children I already had—so I could not
for the life of me understand
why Heavenly Father's answer was, "You're done having children." (Unlike Shonda Rhimes, I'm really
great at staying home and
playing with my kids! Ha ha. For clarification, watch Shonda's
TED Talk, "
My Year of Saying Yes to Everything.")
I wondered why my mothering gifts and abilities hadn't been chosen to rear more precious heavenly souls?
But back to the letter my mom wrote me...
Now, I can clearly see my qualities, talents and abilities that
aren't related to only raising my children, but at
that time, my profound
grief at not having more children was nearly more than I could handle. I thank my mom to this day for helping me through such a
trying time. I needed her
kind words so much! I even filed her letter away, in case I needed to read it again for strength.
Thank you, Mama! :)
*Lest any of you worry about my husband and his support of me during that time, well,
don't. For
Greg was always very sweet, supportive and generously loving. He gave me an amazing priesthood blessing to help me deal with my heartbreak. Yet
because Greg also
knew 100%(!) that we were supposed to be done having children, it was easy for him to never worry about it again.
He just loved me through it. I will forever praise My Gregor for his endlessly patient, kind and understanding support!
Eventually, I accepted our truth and moved on in my life.
When we moved into our beautiful home in Colorado, I sorted through all of our baby supplies/clothing/necessities. I made keepsake boxes for all three of my children and myself. We then had a
huge garage sale of most of our baby items. It was nice that we made a good amount of money, but even more, it was greatly
therapeutic for me to
see that my precious babies' gear was going to good homes. I loved watching the darling babies who were going to benefit from my smart and frugal shopping! (I find the best clearance sales!)
I held onto all of my maternity clothes and some of our baby clothes because I just couldn't let go of
all of it at right at that time—I kept those things in storage for two more years. When it was time for our family to move back to Utah (from CO), I
finally gave away all of my maternity clothes and most of the remaining baby clothes. That was a
humongous step for me!
As the years passed, I continually longed to have more babies. Don't misunderstand, I wasn't thinking about having another baby
24-7, but it was definitely at the back of my mind on a regular basis. I teared up
every time someone close to me became pregnant. I was
SO happy for them (Truly!), but I always secretly wished I could join in
the pregnancy fun. It was
especially difficult when ladies I knew
weren't thrilled to be pregnant...those moments were little
daggers to my mother heart! *Don't get me wrong, for I'm
not judging them
in the least. I wasn't in their situation; I didn't live their reality. It was just really difficult for me to hear that a pregnant mother wasn't fully interested in my
fondest dream!
Enter October, 2015. One day, my body began acting
strangely. I had symptoms I hadn't experienced in years. I couldn't figure out what was going on because my body felt like it was working on preparing a baby—which I knew was
nothing remotely close to my realm of possibility.
I had quite a bit of time to wonder if
the miraculous had occurred? As I sat there pondering our situation, I instantly realized how utterly difficult it would be for our family if I were to become pregnant at this time in our
advancing timeline. I absolutely could
not believe how I was feeling. I
panicked while thinking, "What would we
do?
How would we pay for another baby? There's no way we could do it without going into
significant financial debt, or having me be employed outside the home—which is
never going to happen unless a tragedy befalls our family!"
My mind raced, thinking of our
super high high-deductible insurance plan (at least we have insurance—I'm so thankful for that! It's just not the great insurance plans of 15 years ago...); the
barest of bare minimums we had in savings; paying for Greg's two university student loans; our growing children attending college in a few short years—and possibly going on missions for our church; orthodontia; contacts/glasses; various dental/medical/prescription bills; clothing/shoes for fast-growing teenage bodies; car insurance for teen drivers;
expensive gluten-free food (and
more of it because of my darling children's quickly-growing bodies); 18-year-old cars with needed repairs...
and on and on.
Budget
freak-out aside,
because I was spiritually shown/told on multiple occasions that our little family was complete, it was completely foreign to me to think of adding another baby—even though
my fondest dream was suddenly staring me in the face! Ha ha.
In that moment, the strangest thing happened:
I suddenly realized just how much I really and genuinely like my current station in life! I can't explain it exactly, but it was like my mind was in one of those movies where a protective fairy sprinkles
magic sparkles to change a situation! Because my mind was full of those
happy twinkles,
my heart slowly changed from despair that we weren't having more children,
to excitement and happiness for where I am right now. :)
I spent quality time thinking about all of the
good, great, and awesome things in Greg's and my life of
married with older children! (Ha ha.) I like the fact that we can leave our house anytime, and we don't have to worry about hiring a babysitter. (We don't leave our house very often without our children, it's just nice knowing we can go if necessary.) Greg and I have so much
fun together
and with our children! Our family is
so tight! While our family members aren't perfect, our family relationship
as a whole is amazing and wonderful—it's
everything I could have hoped for!
I thought about the implications of Greg and I essentially
starting over—especially considering the fact that our years are edging closer to the empty-nesters category than that of having young children. (That's a crazy thought to my
eternally 25 brain!) In reviewing
all that goes into pregnancy, the baby years, preschool age and beyond, I suddenly felt very tired! ;)
Eventually, I meandered back to the idea of me
possibly having another baby. I decided right then and there that I would
immediately welcome another baby into our family if that was Heavenly Father's will, but I just
really didn't believe that was the case because of all the amazing spiritual answers I received years ago.
A few days later, my mind was put totally at ease. There was no doubt about it, I was most definitely
not going to have another baby. It was in that relieving moment that I was
finally able to say,
"I'm happy Greg and I are done having babies! I know our little family is complete and I'm 100% okay with that!"
To some, my realization might seem shallow, silly, or cruel (even more, others might not be able to fathom my feelings in the slightest!), but for this
mother heart—that previously
longed for
11 years to have more babies—my happiness was (and is!) such a welcomed
relief! I'm utterly jubilant that I was finally able to be
free of longing for a baby that would never be mine.
No one but my darling Gregor will ever fully understand how beautiful that miracle was and is for me.
My positive feelings during that experience were strong enough for me to know they are
permanent—hooray for that!
I love knowing I'll never be in that sad wishing for a baby place again! :)
I'll continue loving, caring for, and enjoying babies for the rest of my life, but it will be in the roles of
awesome Aunt Adrie; volunteer-baby-holder; or...
grandmother! Yes, it's difficult for me to even write the last word of that previous sentence because I can hardly believe it! Yet when I really think about my life, becoming a grandmother could technically be just a decade away! Seriously,
whoa. Of course, it depends on what my children decide to do with their lives, but it's possible!
In the four+ months since my heart has changed (in regard to not having another baby), I've felt such blissful peace! It's been
marvelous to have that gloomy weight (hiding in the corner) completely
lifted from my soul. I believe Heavenly Father
gifted me that experience so I could fully realize that my life is
exactly the way it's supposed to be! For that, I'm overflowing with gratitude! :)
I'm very pleased that Greg and I
followed (and continue to follow) the inspiration we received from the Holy Ghost. Even though my heart was secretly leaning on the
sad side for many years about not having additional children, we heeded the Holy Ghost and
did what Heavenly Father said was right for our family. We've received great comfort because of our faith-filled actions, which is worth
a lot! Looking back over our lives and noting the blessings we've received
because we
listened feels better than wonderful! :)
To close, I'd like to share my thoughts for anyone struggling...
- If you are in a sad place—wishing and hoping for something that just might not happen—be patient and please hang in there! :) I can't guarantee when it will happen, but there will come a day when you'll understand the reason(s) why that particular "no" answer or extended trial came to you. Faithful patience is needed for every struggle.
- Give yourself time to adjust without an expiration date. Even though my spirit and rational brain fully understood the whys of my I'm done having babies trial, it took my heart 11 years to fully process that answer, accept it, and be happy with our outcome. Yes, the passage of time really helps so much!
- Find other ways to be happy. Even though you might not have everything your heart desires, there are still so many ways to be joyful in this world! Seek out the finer things in life—i.e., kindness, learning, service—and steer clear of negativity.
- Work on yourself! Be good! Analyze your personality and find ways to improve. Most importantly, don't beat yourself up about your shortcomings. Instead, simply change those things that need changing and be positive every day! You'll never regret becoming a better person! :)
- Surround yourself with excellent people. If you don't currently have that option, seek to create and bring excellence to those around you! :)
- Internalize that you are valuable, important, special and loved—regardless of the situation you find yourself in. Everyone has something to contribute to this world! Even if your contribution doesn't fit the mold, figure out what your mission is and go for it!
- Never lose sight of what is most important. Returning home with honor to our Father in Heaven—so we can be with our families forever—should be at the forefront of our minds! Of course, that includes all the wonderful things we are taught in the gospel of Jesus Christ—He truly is the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by [Him]! (John 14:6)
- Remember that our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are always on our side. There might be times when you feel unloved/unlovable, but nothing could be further from the truth. They are continually there for us—they're just a prayer away! Heavenly Father is the grand orchestrator of our lives, we can and must trust that He will do what's best for us! :)
