A Broken Heart and a Contrite Spirit

Hi hi! On November 29th, 2020, I spoke in my ward's sacrament meeting! Yay! It had been a while since I'd presented at our podium, so I was excited to be given the opportunity again! 😀

To prepare for my big 12(+/-) minutes, I spent a few days listening to General Conference talks and reading the scriptures. I had an overall idea of how I wanted my talk to go, but then came the time consuming part of putting it all together!

I spent about two days writing, reading, editing, and practicing my talk in my basement. It was a fun endeavor because I love the gospel of Jesus Christ and His Church sooo much! 💗 But I was also tired while working on everything because Thanksgiving was the day before I actually started writing my talk; I was worn out from a busy week and a full day of cooking! #colormetired! 😂

I felt the time crunch—hello adrenaline! 😁—but finished writing my talk with plenty of time to get everything ready for Sunday morning—and I got to workout to one of my faaavorite fitness videos on Saturday night! Yeah yeah yeah! It was such a great workout, it made me smile my guts out! Plus, after sitting at my computer for pretty much two days straight, I needed some serious physical activity! On Friday morning, I went walking with Greg for 38 minutes and did stretching yoga for 40 minutes before I started writing, but by Saturday night I was super antsy to get my body moving!

And now, here's my talk! 😀

A Broken Heart and a Contrite Spirit

Adrie Peterson

11/29/2020

In 3 Nephi 12:19, Jesus Christ teaches us, “And behold, I have given you the law and the commandments of my Father, that ye shall believe in me, and that ye shall repent of your sins, and come unto me with a broken heart and a contrite spirit.”

In 3 Nephi 9:20, He further teaches, “And ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit. And whoso cometh unto me with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, him will I baptize with fire and with the Holy Ghost…”

At times, it may feel difficult to humbly approach our Savior with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Younger Saints might not know exactly what it means to have a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Others may wonder if it’s really necessary to possess either.

Elder D. Todd Christofferson taught that a broken heart is a repentant heart, and a contrite spirit is an obedient spirit—that “it is the gift of [ourselves]—what [we] are and what [we] are becoming.”

Elder Bruce D. Porter explained that “Those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit are willing to do anything and everything that God asks of them, without resistance or resentment. We cease doing things our way and learn to do them God’s way instead.”

In the Church’s Gospel Topics, the section on sacrifice describes a broken heart and a contrite spirit as “a willingness to repent of sins and a desire to follow Jesus Christ and align one’s life with His commandments.”

So why should we desire and strive for a broken heart and a contrite spirit? In our beautiful sacrament prayers, we are taught that if we “…are willing to take upon [us] the name of [Jesus Christ], and always remember him and keep his commandments which he has given [us]; …[we will] always have his Spirit to be with [us].” That alone is a beautiful promise!

Yet in 2 Nephi 2:6–7, we are further taught that “…redemption cometh in and through the Holy Messiah; for he is full of grace and truth. Behold, he offereth himself a sacrifice for sin, to answer the ends of the law, unto all those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit; and unto none else can the ends of the law be answered.”

Thus we see that in Jesus Christ’s extraordinary sacrifice of not only redeeming all of humanity—so that we may live eternally with our dearest loved ones—He is also willing to be with us spiritually each and every day of our lives! Through the spectacular gift of the Holy Ghost, Jesus Christ can absolutely influence our lives for the best! We simply must freely give our whole hearts and souls to Him—and ultimately to our Heavenly Father—because as Jesus tells us in John 6:38, “For I came down from heaven, not to do mine own will, but the will of him that sent me.”

Despite the marvelous promised blessings that come from giving ourselves so completely to the Lord, at times we may struggle.

In 3 Nephi 11:11, Jesus Christ gives us some pretty important reasons as to why we should not only want to give ourselves to Him, but why we should happily jump at the chance! He shared His perfect heart with us when he vulnerably said, “…behold, I am the light and the life of the world; and I have drunk out of that bitter cup which the Father hath given me, and have glorified the Father in taking upon me the sins of the world, in the which I have suffered the will of the Father in all things from the beginning.”

Wow. That clears things up pretty quickly, doesn’t it? Thinking of our perfect Savior suffering for the benefit of everyone makes His thought-provoking request not only logical, rational, and reasonable, but a true privilege and honor to willingly participate in.

So what does that mean for each of us individually? How do we implement this wonderful, life-changing idea into our lives? For a little more motivation, Elder Porter beautifully said, “The Savior’s perfect submission to the Eternal Father is the very essence of a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Christ’s example teaches us that a broken heart is an eternal attribute of godliness. When our hearts are broken, we are completely open to the Spirit of God and recognize our dependence on Him for all that we have and all that we are. The sacrifice so entailed is a sacrifice of pride in all its forms. Like malleable clay in the hands of a skilled potter, the brokenhearted can be molded and shaped in the hands of the Master.”

I become a little teary when thinking of all the utterly unexpected ways I’ve been molded and shaped in my life by the hands of the Master. Every single experience I’ve been given has greatly improved my soul. I’m so thankful I’m willing and open to learn from all of my trials and challenges—for I absolutely would not be who I am today without them!

Elder Porter shared that “a broken heart and a contrite spirit are also preconditions to repentance,” and that “when we have received a forgiveness of sins, a broken heart serves as a divine shield against temptation.” The protection of a divine shield sounds pretty great to me! 😀

President David O. McKay taught (as quoted in President Thomas S. Monson's General conference talk), “There is one responsibility that no one can evade. That is the effect of one’s personal influence.” 💛 That is such a vital message for everyone! Our life missions are meant to be unique, but each of us has the glorious opportunity to make a significant difference in our world if we are simply willing to be fully open to what our Heavenly Father has in store for us.

Having a close relationship with our Heavenly Father through the Holy Ghost is yet another major reason to connect with Jesus Christ through our own broken spirits and contrite hearts. When we break down the walls surrounding our individual wills, we basically become unlimited in the ways Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ can utilize us for the benefit of those within our circle of influence! It’s beyond exciting to think about how each of us can reach our highest potential and simultaneously bless the lives of others!

I absolutely love this thought that President Thomas S. Monson wanted each Latter-day Saint to internalize,

“The Redeemer chose imperfect men to teach the way to perfection. He did so then; He does so now. 

“He calls you and me to serve Him here below and sets us to the task He would have us fulfill. The commitment is total. There is no conflict of conscience. 

“As we follow that Man of Galilee—even the Lord Jesus Christ—our personal influence will be felt for good wherever we are, whatever our callings.”

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland shared a sweet story about a man he felt prompted to call to a stake presidency in Latin America. The brother owned a bicycle, but no automobile. Elder Holland said, “Many leaders across the Church don’t have cars, but I was nevertheless worried about what that might mean for this man in this particular stake. In my terminally-ill Spanish I pursued the interview, then said, ‘[Brother, don’t you have a car?]’ With a smile and not a second’s hesitation he replied, ‘[I do not have a car, but I do have feet and I do have faith.]’ He then said he could ride the bus, ride his bicycle, or walk…he smiled—‘like the missionaries.’ And so he does.”

We each need to remember that outside of the fundamental principles, ordinances, and doctrines of the gospel of Jesus Christ found in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, don’t have a list of requirements as to how our lives should look. There is no standard checklist of worldly accomplishments or endeavors to which each of us should be checking boxes. Instead, we should individually be striving each day to be inspired by the Holy Ghost to live the lives that our Heavenly Father envisions for us—the ones that Jesus Christ died and was resurrected for! Our gift to Them in return is then following through on the inspiration we receive—regardless if we like the answer, or not.

In helping us achieve our goal of desired closeness to God and Jesus Christ through the Holy Ghost, Elder Christofferson wisely shared, “As a first step, you must lay aside any feeling of pride that is so common in the world today. By this I mean the attitude that rejects the authority of God to rule in our lives. …You hear it expressed today in phrases such as ‘Do your own thing’ or ‘Right and wrong depend on what I feel is right for me.’ That attitude is a rebellion against God…”

Throughout our wonderful marriage, Greg and I have experienced so many crossroads where we knew without a doubt that our Heavenly Father had different plans for us than what we wanted or expected. Each time we realized—through amazing spiritual confirmations—that our carefully prepared plans needed to change, there was inevitably a grieving period involved. Yet after we let ourselves mourn our wishes and dreams for a little while, we eventually came full circle and were in harmony with Heaven. Hindsight being 2020 (sorry, I couldn’t resist! 😄), we clearly saw each and every miracle that was brought into our lives simply because we followed the inspiration and revelation we received through the Holy Ghost. The simplicity of the gospel of Jesus Christ is truly beautiful!

One recent example of this happened in September 2019 when Greg was hired to do his dream job. It was such a miraculous happening in our lives, there’s zero doubt that divine intervention was involved! Thus, we weren’t thrilled when a few weeks into the COVID-19 pandemic, Greg was notified that his salary would be reduced by 20%. Even worse, just one short, blissful week after his salary was returned and we thought life was happily trending toward “normal,” Greg’s company let their employees know of the upcoming merger with a competitor. They were transparent in the fact that every employee could possibly face a layoff.

At that point, I was beyond disappointed because Greg had already been through two major layoffs with previous companies—I knew all too well what could be coming to our family, and I was worried about the potential upheaval. I spent the next four months planning and preparing to the best of my abilities for the possibility that Greg would have to start all over again in his career for the third time.

As Greg and I patiently waited for the “layoff ball” to be dropped in our laps, we received a surprise knock at the door. It was our ward mission leader with our stake's two full-time missionaries! As we chatted with them, Greg shared that he was waiting to see if he would be laid off the next day. Our ward mission leader instantly got a sad look on his face for our situation. After we talked about it some more, I said to the missionaries, “…so please put us on your prayer list and pray that Greg keeps his job!” They enthusiastically agreed and said they would pray for us. We set up an appointment to do another Zoom meeting with the missionaries, and they went on their way.

What those kind men don’t know is our very happy history with the Church’s missionaries as a whole, and their positive influence in our lives. While Greg and I have always been so strong in our testimonies of the gospel of Jesus Christ and His Church, we have still been helped by the missionaries throughout our time spent living in Colorado, Texas, and Utah. Thus, when the missionaries unexpectedly showed up on our doorstep the very night before Greg was to find out if he would keep his dream job or be laid off, we took it as a blessed sign from Heaven that regardless of the outcome, the Lord was aware of us and He had a plan for us. 💛

The happy ending to that story is that Greg was one of the lucky ones who kept his dream job—for now. He knows that as the merger of his two companies continues, there is a possibility that his responsibilities and job title could look different. My heart aches for Greg’s coworkers and their families who didn’t experience the same positive outcome as we did. Yet in that same breath, I have full faith that there is a plan for each of those former employees, too. I know they will be cared for, led, and directed on the path the Lord has for them! While we never know what’s coming our way, we can and must have faith that we will be taken care of regardless of what happens.

This life is meant to challenge and change us for the best! 💗 One of our goals should include not only enduring life’s challenges, but enduring them well—to the best of our abilities. I wholeheartedly believe that if we are willing to stay close to our Heavenly Father by being dedicated disciples of Jesus Christ, we will not only become strong in our trials, but we can find joy as we struggle through our challenges.

As we choose to give our broken hearts and contrite spirits to the Lord, He promises us marvelous additional blessings found in Ezekiel 36:26, “A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.” Oh, how I love that scripture!

(Bear testimony.)

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. 😀

**********

So, there you have it! I wish I would have finished writing this blog post sooner, as I've forgotten most of what happened after I gave this talk. In my defense, there has been a lot going on in our COVID-19-pandemic-mess-of-a-world, so I've been a little distracted over the past six months! 😄

I do remember that my talk was received positively, so that was a huge relief! I more than loved getting such kind text messages, phone calls, and emails from people who watched my talk (online and in person) and gained something beneficial from it. It really meant a lot to my happy soul! 💛

Lastly, it's super fun that my official YouTube debut was giving this talk in my ward's sacrament meeting! Ha ha. 😄 Yay yay for all of this amazing technology that continually blesses our lives! I hope you have a wonderful day! 😁

What Are We to Learn From This?

Hello, it's me! Yes, I'm still here nearly 11 months after my previous blog post! I actually began writing this post in February 2020—before the unbelievable COVID-19 pandemic put our entire planet on hold. Then there was the little matter of the 5.7 earthquake and thousands of aftershocks we've experienced here in Utah. And now we're watching protests galore unfold across America and some parts of the world. 😢

To some, this post might seem a little odd to share at this point in our history. Yet I'm publishing what I wrote anyway because I took the time to write it, and I enjoy remembering our lives pre-pandemic, pre-earthquake, and pre need for current protests—because, yes, I dearly wish there were no racism, no inequality, and no injustice anywhere in our world! I want everyone to feel safe, secure, protected, loved, cared for, etc. 😔

Before I continue, please rest assured that everything is great in my little world. 😁 I am so happy, healthy, and loving my days at home with my husband and children! My life is truly beautiful! That said, let's take a little trip to where I've been for the past several years outside of my happy life with Greg and our adorable children...

There's no easy way to start this, so I'll just dive in: In September 2019, my one and only mother married a man that I've never met! And she specifically chose not to tell any of her children, extended family members, or friends that she was going to marry him! 😱 My mom never told a single soul about her wedding plans outside of the man she married and the Nauvoo Temple staff!

There were no cleverly worded invitations, no exciting wedding preparations for my mother's children, grandchildren, sons-in-law, daughter-in-law, siblings, etc., to be involved with. There was no beautiful wedding experience, no reception, nor any kind of happy celebration to enjoy for the people who love and support her. There were no cheesy, adoring, or artistic photos snapped. There are no videos of the "blessed day" to be enjoyed or laughed at by my mother's posterity. There hasn't been any sort of anything that we could happily post to any of our social media accounts. That said, my mom's new husband's family threw them a marriage celebration in Hawaii a few months after their wedding—but none of my mom's family or extended family were invited...including not me. 😢

I found out that my mom married said-man-that-I've-never-met eight days after her wedding and sealing was finalized in the Nauvoo Temple! Adding insult to injury, I found out about my mom's wedding/sealing from my sister—and my sister found out all of that information through a text that my mom sent to my sister and brother! 😣 In my mom's somewhat-defense, she emailed me about her wedding/sealing the very next day after she texted my brother and sister. My mom claims that technology issues were to blame as to why I didn't receive her life-altering text, but the situation hurt my heart more than I can ever express. Because—Hello!—a phone call would have been nice!!! Even now as I read what I wrote, I still cannot believe that my mother did all of that!

Prior to her new marriage, my mom lived off-and-on in her now-husband's house (she had her own separate bedroom) in a different state from us, for about four+ years. So my siblings and I were dealing with all of those continuing challenges even before our mother's unsettling elopement.

While I won't go into great detail, just know that my mom and I were extremely close emotionally speaking before all of this happened. Unfortunately, things have absolutely not been the same between my mother and me since October 2013. It's been such a rough six+ years, you have no idea! I could go on and on and on with maddening details of my childhood family's situation. I could literally write for endless hours about the frustrations, turmoil, heartache, bad dreams, etc., that my mother's actions have caused. I'm sorry if this is too vague for some of you, but there are many things that are too private to share...just don't let your imagination get the better of you.

Suffice it to say, after praying, studying, and researching innumerable articles, podcast episodes, videos, devotionals, and books by wonderful licensed therapists, happy life coaches, amazing religious/spiritual leaders, incredible motivational speakers, uplifting TED Talks, inspiring holy scripture verses, etc., and talking things through with my childhood family and extended family members, friends, and especially my most precious husband, Greg 💖, I am finally at a point where I'm able to somewhat deal with my mother's new life. *But I'll never support nor condone her actions of marrying without including anyone in her joyful occasion besides her new husband. #noiwillnot! 😒

All of that said (yes, there's more 😅) I will never be able to fully express how devastating my mother's actions have been to me, nor can I adequately convey how difficult it was for me to get through those first four+ months after my mom's elopement. And I thought the previous five+ years had been rough! Ha! Unfortunately, they were just the prelude to my childhood family's new reality that repeatedly smacked us in the face like a dying fish out of water! 🎣

While I'm thankful I've mostly turned the corner in terms of coming to accept the shocking reality of my mom's new life—and trying to get used to the spoken-and-unspoken conditions that have been established by her (many of which I absolutely don't agree with)—getting to this point was only possible because of untold hours of researching, listening, talking, writing, praying, and many tears. Even after all of that work, it was only after I realized that I had a version of relationship PTSD—that those in the psychology world define as mother wounds—that I was finally able to pick myself up and start moving forward. I'm so thankful I was finally able to begin grieving my mother and find a way to "deal" with her choices!

Yet as much as I thought I've been making great progress these past additional four+ months, just three nights ago, I had a doozy of a dream that showed just how much my subconscious is still struggling big time with my mother's new life. I was stunned at how revealing and truth-filled my dream was! It makes me tear up when I think about it—but again, I must keep moving forward.

Even last week, my brother, sister, and I had a group text going where we shared our grief at missing our mom and wondering when we would ever get to see her in person again—and it has nothing to do with the COVID-19 pandemic restrictions, as our mother and her new husband are vacationing in another state...that is not where her children live!

To illustrate just how much mothers mean to their children throughout their entire lives, please read this section from The Science of Happiness Podcast, Episode 66—it's a great listen:

Rebecca Vitali-DeCola: My father’s mother died in childbirth with him. And in our first set of questions, there was a question about, like, if you could change one thing about your childhood... ...Anything about the way you were raised. What would it be?

Joe DeCola: My mom. Yeah. I really think she would have been really an interesting woman.

Rebecca Vitali-DeCola: Yeah.

Joe DeCola: And a really good thing in my life.

.....

Rebecca Vitali-DeCola: [His mom] was so central in his narrative. There was a moment, and I think in set three, I think where it’s like, "If your apartment is burning and you can get all the people you love out and pets out of it, but you had to, like, go back for one material item, one possession. Like, what would you run back for in a fire?" And he said "This, you know, photograph I have of my mom." And yeah, I mean, I just kept crying. I could not stop crying, listening to him talk. And I didn’t know that. I mean, and that’s very significant. So, yeah, that was a revelation. It was just really poignant. He’s you know, he’s 82 and he never met her. And she still occupies such an important part of his life and consciousness.

Oh, how that story tugs at my heart strings! 😥 It's amazing that an 82-year-old man can still miss his mother that much! It makes me feel better knowing that my siblings and I aren't the only ones who are so attached to their mom. Mothers and fathers really do make the world go 'round!

Obviously, there are many sides to every story. My mom has her version of her dating/marriage story, too. My entire childhood family and my mom's siblings each have their individual perspectives about what occurred with my mom's new relationship and marriage.

*So, to anyone reading this blog post, just know that I dealt with my mom's situation in the best ways I knew how—and I was always trying to improve myself while processing everything! I tried so very hard throughout the past six+ years to do and be the best that I could for my parents, siblings, and myself. Regardless of anyone else's life experiences, no one can ever fully understand what I've been through, so I hope you will proceed with compassion and empathy toward me. My broken heart thanks you. 😔

While working through my issues with my mom's elopement and her new marriage, I pondered various coping mechanisms I could utilize. One of the best ways for me to process life is by writing. Yes, journal writing is always a great idea, but blogging is my absolute favorite! 💛

Thus, I felt a strong desire to share my thoughts and feelings about my "mother issues" through my blog. I even drafted a few blog posts about my mom and her situation over the past year+ (including before she eloped), but they remain unpublished. After being reprimanded by my sister because she felt a blog post about nearly everything in our situation was too hurtful, I decided to do more research.

Not publishing my previous blog drafts about my mother and her dating/marriage situation was probably a good idea. It's no surprise that I can be feisty and "cutting" with my words if I want to. Most of the time, my words are lovely, uplifting, and kind. But I was so emotionally hurt by my mother that I was more than ready to let my pain and suffering explode like words spewing from the Hoover Dam! #noshame! Oh, the stories I could tell would make your head spin! Even though it would have felt really great to unload my feelings like that, it's probably best that I didn't publish my explosive sentences! 😄

While researching, I was so happy to read in several online sources that many experts state that sharing our personal stories is super helpful for each of us. Sharing our stories really does make us better people and might even help others learn something new in the process! I immediately felt relief and decided to compose a blog post that served not only my emotional healing, but one that could possibly help prevent others from making some of the mistakes I've endured (due to others' choices) over the past several years. Yay for story sharing days! 😁

By the way, it feels incredibly great to finally be blogging again! 👏🏻 I've wanted to blog about endless topics over the past few years, but I was so torn up inside about the situation with my mom that I just couldn't go there. Plus, I spent quite a bit of my free time trying to process everything, so I truly didn't have it in me to blog about all of my issues until now. I'm so happy to be posting on Enthusiastic Fantastic again! 😁

Here's what I've learned from my childhood family's issues—from my earliest memories, to literally today—in no particular order:

• If you are a parent, you must be the parent for your child no matter how old you or your child are. Don't "reverse" the roles of parent and child! Every child needs and deserves their parents until the day they die. Even in the afterlife (I believe in the postmortal spirit world), parents should be watching over and helping their children to the extent possible. I truly believe the role of parent continues throughout eternity. *A sweet example of parents always being there for their children in the proper parenting roles was shown in episode 10, season 6 of Madam Secretary. Stevie (First Daughter) is sitting between her parents, Elizabeth (Madam President) and Henry (First Gentleman), in the presidential limousine on the way to her wedding:

Elizabeth: So sweet of you, by the way, to drive with Dad and me. That means a lot. It's very sweet. Thank you.

Stevie: Yeah, well, I, um...I thought that it would give us a chance to talk.

Henry: Absolutely, What's on your mind?

Elizabeth: Listen, sweetheart, no matter how old you get or how many kids of your own you have, you can always come to us with anything, about anything.

The scene continues in funny banter between spouses, parents, and child, but it fully illustrates the point that parents should remain a significant, devoted source of comfort, safety, and love throughout their child's life. *As a side note, I'm super bummed that Madam Secretary was canceled! ☹

• Regardless of how your child is acting/behaving, you must always show up as your child's parent! Unless a parent has a significant impairment that prevents them from understanding that they are a parent, parents should always rise above and be the good parent their child deserves. *If you have questions as to how to be a good parent, take the necessary time to learn, be humble enough to make needed changes, and then continually put forth your best efforts to become the wonderful parent your child deserves. It's never too late! Start today! Change happens the instant you decide!
• Realize how incredibly important you are to your child. There is nothing that can ever replace the importance of a parent in a child's life. Parents are absolutely paramount! Of course, nearly every child will one day create their own life, but they still need their parents no matter their age or the level of success they achieve!
• Create good, healthy relationships and support systems within your family, friends, and community. Then, when you're struggling—because we all struggle at times throughout our lives—make sure you reach out to that support system you've created to help you work through your issues. Never put your child in the role of "therapist" unless they are a fully grown adult who is happily established in their own life. Even then, use caution with how much you rely on your child; keep your child as your first priority in your relationship with them. If you're really in a jam and can't seem to unscramble the mess, find a well-credentialed therapist who will help you figure everything out—it will benefit you, your entire family, and your posterity.
• Give your loved ones a heads up if you are going to elope! There is never any excuse good enough to justify not sharing your upcoming wedding news with those closest to you. That doesn't mean you need to include people in your wedding day specifically, you can totally have a private wedding, but you should definitely clue them in as to what's about to happen! *I recently read this lovely story about an older couple that found true love during the COVID-19 pandemic. I ate up every word about the darling couple and daydreamed about how amazing it would have been if my mom had simply given me the opportunity to somehow be involved in her engagement and wedding. 😢
• Do your utmost best in choosing your spouse. Look at every characteristic possible to determine if you two are a match. Spend ample time fully communicating about everything relevant to your future marriage and family. Don't leave any topic to chance! You don't want to discover a deal-breaker after you've already made the serious, life-changing commitment to your spouse. Then, do everything within your power to help create and sustain a happy, loving, long-term marriage and family! Marriage depends on both spouses continually giving their very best to each other—including forgiveness! 💛
• Unless there is abuse happening, stay married to your chosen spouse! Love each other wholeheartedly, unselfishly, and unconditionally throughout this life and into the next! Your first spouse should be your only spouse! Divorce should be your very last option after every other resource has been exhausted. Only resort to divorce if your marriage is truly "dead" beyond recovery. For further thoughts on this, please read this wonderful talk, "Divorce," by Dallin H. Oaks. *I fully understand there are certain situations that warrant divorce. I'm not saying that divorce should never happen. I'm just saying that every couple should try their very best to make their marriage happy, healthy, and loving, and then stay married!

So, where am I emotionally today? Well, I'm feeling a lot better compared to the emotional "bomb" I experienced in September, 2019, that's for darn sure! Obviously, blogging isn't the perfect answer to work through issues, by any means, but writing out and sharing my story has definitely helped—so thank you for reading! 😊

I still haven't met my new stepfather (not even virtually or via phone call!) and I don't know if or when that will happen. That feeling totally sucks, but I'm getting used to it. I know...that's complete and utter craziness, but it's the truth.

Now, on to a few happier things:

The fantastic news is, I've paid to have my domain name remain active for Enthusiastic Fantastic through 2029! Woohoo and yippee skippee! I find great satisfaction in knowing that my blog will live on for at least another nine+ years—it gives me true joy! 🤩

And I must share these happy photos that my children took of Greg and me on Mother's Day, 2020! My children know that one of the very best gifts they can give me are photos! 📸 Greg, our three darlings, and I spent quite a bit of time posing and taking photos as my main Mother's Day gift. We had the best time together! 💛💙🧡💚💜

I'm so very thankful for my amazing family—that literally exists because Greg and I fell eternally in love! 😍 Greg and I are 100% committed and faithful to each other, and I'm beyond grateful that our family reaps the benefits of our happy, healthy marriage every single day!

Greg & Adrie Peterson 💙💛 05/10/2020 🥰

Greg and I were acting like robots for this one! #robotdancers! Ha ha 😂

*02/15/2021—Update:

Things are getting a tiny bit better in my childhood family. I've had a smidgen of contact with my new stepfather—both through kind holiday/birthday cards and gifts, and a couple of text messages. But no, I still haven't met him in person, nor have I talked with him over the phone or even virtually. I really don't know if or when any of that will ever happen, and it's confusing.

My mom and I have had several more talks via phone call and the Marco Polo app; we're working on this new normal of our family dynamic. I'm bummed I haven't seen her in one-and-a-half years, and I don't know if/when I'll see her in person again. 😔 Overall, it's still a difficult situation for me, but the difficulty has lessened a little as time passes. I wish I had better news for this unbelievable situation, but it is what it is!

Blogging for Conflict Resolution

You might have noticed that I've put off blogging for quite a while. As I described in my previous post, I've been very busy. Yet at the same time, I've tried to analyze myself and figure out why I've not been blogging like I truly desire. I finally realized that I haven't made blogging a priority because I've been having some issues with my extended family. It's difficult to write that here on my blog—a wonderful public space I've created for myself, but it's true.

I've struggled mightily over the past several months due to feelings of frustration and sadness over a lack of closeness between myself and some extended family members—both in my family and Greg's family, but especially mine. And no matter how much time has gone by, or how many efforts of goodwill I've extended, those issues frustratingly remain to some degree, or another.

I've been greatly misjudged on many levels, which tears at my soul! So many times I've found myself tearing up saying, "I can't believe they honestly thought that way about me! I can't believe they didn't think to ask me about the real story! I can't believe they wouldn't call to talk to me in person instead of jumping to such conclusions based on hearsay! —because we all know what gossip and judging without actually talking with the person you've been offended by does.

I'm such a happy person—it's true! 😀 I live my life very well—exactly how I desire! 😁 So when you love people as much as I do and some of the very important people in your life misjudge you and put you into a category that you don't belong, well, it feels horrible. Of course, I'm the type who will happily keep going about my life, day in and day out, without letting someone curb my enthusiasm, but that doesn't mean their actions don't affect me—especially when I care deeply about said souls!

I won't go into the nitty-gritty details because there's no point. Suffice it to say, my heart has squeezed with sadness more than once over the past several months. Forgiveness has taken on an entirely new meaning to me! I've forgiven everyone, but I don't know and can't tell if they've forgiven me, or not—which is a struggle to my soul that I consciously and continually push away. I keep striving my best every day to say and do the Christlike right things, but that doesn't mean my heart doesn't still twinge with tears.

I don't know if any of you have experienced anything like this before (and I'm sorry I'm not being more specific), but, to me, it feels like no matter what I say or do (or said or did), those select extended family members have placed me in the new classification of "other," or "no longer welcome," which feels terrible—and it seems as if there's no way for me to be reclassified! 😞

So. What I've been trying to do is learn from these torturous feelings. I've tried valiantly to see where other people are coming from—even if their actions/words don't make sense to me. And, I've let my extended family members "go," to the extent possible—which is unbelievably hard for me, but I let go because I love them.

I'm hoping that by finally writing about my issues here, I will feel better and be able to move on. I love writing so much(!)—it works wonders for my soul! Thus, it's been difficult when I've felt that I can't speak of my situation (my truth!) here on Enthusiastic Fantastic because someone might misinterpret my words—which is why I stayed away from blogging for such a long time in the first place. But that ends right now with my version of conflict resolution—or, what I like to call "Blogging for Conflict Resolution"!  I think it should be the hip new call to action, don't you?! Ha ha. 😃

Now I'm going to share what I'm thankful for...and just know that these thoughts relate somehow to the situations I described previously—meaning the lack of those actions, too. Did any of that make sense?! 😄

In no particular order, I'm truly thankful for:

• genuine smiles
• looking me in the eye
• happy hugs
• questions asked in a kind and truthful manner
• "likes" 💖 and comments on my Instagram posts
• continuing to follow my Instagram accounts (I absolutely love my Instagram world I've created!)
• responding to texts and emails I've sent
• giving me the benefit of the doubt
• not jumping to conclusions
• talking to me directly instead of gossiping about me
• loving me and liking me 😊 (you know, because families must love each other even if they don't like each other very much)
• desiring to understand where I'm coming from
• sharing time and energy with me
• having a willingness to listen to what I have to say
• valuing my thoughts and opinions
• acknowledging that I have something to contribute
• respecting my differing opinions
• recognizing boundaries and not overstepping
• staying connected to me even though we see things differently
• sharing your world with me even though it looks vastly different from mine
• not being jealous of my happy life
• recognizing that I consistently work very hard to have my wonderful life
• acknowledging that my happy, wonderful life isn't easy—unlike others who have misjudged it as such
• being genuinely happy for the amazing and endlessly-loving eternal marriage that Greg and I have created together
• appreciating my sincere endeavors to make this world a better place without labeling me as a "show off," or a "bragger"
• accepting my true friendship efforts with the intent they were offered
• letting go of any resentment or anger directed towards me

Now I'd like to share some lovely quotes I've really appreciated over the past few weeks—they've helped me tremendously!

Remember: "Despite how open, peaceful, and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves." – Matt Kahn 

That genius quote deserved a typographic design of its very own! I really enjoyed creating this one! 🌲

"Being positive in a negative situation is not naive, it's leadership." – Ralph Marston 

"There's a common denominator in our human experience... Everybody wants to know: Did you hear me, and did what I say matter?" – Oprah Winfrey

With that, please enjoy these inspiring lyrics from "I'll Begin Again," by Leslie Bricusse, in the movie musical Scrooge. Yes, I'm totally applying these wonderful thoughts to myself, but I truly believe they should live in all of our hearts every day of our lives! 😇

I'll begin again
I will build my life
I will live to know
That I fulfilled my life
I'll begin today
Throw away the past
And the future I build
Will be something that will last  

I will take the time
I have left to live
And I will give it all
That I have left to give
I will live my days
For my fellow men
And I'll live in praise
Of that moment when
I was able to begin again  

I will start anew
I will make amends
And I'll make quite certain
That the story ends
On a note of hope
On a strong amen
And I'll thank the world
And remember when
I was able to begin again

I absolutely love this inspired version by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir!

Lastly, I know this is not one of my most enthusiastic fantastic posts, but it's where I've been for quite a long time, and I felt the need to share. So, thank you for making it this far with me! Your reading efforts are greatly appreciated! I hope you have a wonderful day! 💙💛

Fankle Recovery, Month Seven

(This is my seventh post in My Fankle Journey.)

Wow, I can't believe it's actually been seven full months since my posterior tibial tendon surgery (August 3rd, 2016)! When I began my Fankle journey, I honestly never thought my recovery would take this long! And yet here I am, still quite in the middle of my ankle-surgery recovery. So, I thought I'd give a little bit of an update as to where Fankle stands today! 😉

I still have stiffness and some degree of pain in my Fankle every morning when I wake up. It doesn't seem to matter what I've done the day before, I'm still always aware that Fankle exists. I can stretch and stretch my calf and ankle until I feel I'm going to scream from the tediousness of it all (#mytedioustendon! ha ha), and finally feel better for a little while, but it never lasts long. I'll excitedly think, "Hey! Maybe I am improving! Maybe I'll feel significantly better tomorrow!" But sadly, I wake up the very next morning with my familiar ankle stiffness/pain in tow. It's very disheartening and beyond frustrating.

I've had a few blessed days over the past seven months where I didn't have pain (just an awareness that Fankle exists), but they didn't last. 😢 I've tried to figure out any sort of pattern as to what I did differently that made my pain disappear during those minuscule days, but for the life of me, I can't see any regularity in my behavior that constitutes a pain-free, non-tight Fankle.

I wear supportive athletic shoes with good arch supports about 80% of the time; I've stretched Fankle until the cows come home; I've iced my way through untold on-demand TV episodes; I've worn high heels once in a while to give my tendon a break (Because I have high arches, high heels are truly such a nice break{!}, which I know sounds a little nutty, but it's true!); I've massaged my ankle for unbelievably lengthy periods of time; I've taken super hot showers; I've done and done and done! But after all of my work and experimenting, nothing makes sense as to what makes my Fankle totally pain-free for longer than one day at a time.

The one thing that does make sense is this: I will definitely not take any more pain pills during the rest of my recovery unless it's absolutely necessary. I've learned that it's much better to feel my ankle pain every day so I don't overdo it, than to blissfully not feel any pain at all and definitely overdo it. (I already explained in my post, "Fanklebaby" about the negative effects of NSAIDs on tendon healing, which is the main reason I don't take ibuprofen on a regular basis.)

Every time I've taken ibuprofen during the day (maybe four times in the past seven months?), I've totally regretted it the next day. My Fankle always seems to take at least three days to recover from my pain-free ibuprofen-induced frivolity 😉, and I'll not to do it anymore! In my defense, I took pain meds in the first place because I was enduring Shark Week, i.e., it was that not-so-lovely time of the month and I needed some real help to survive my day! Thus, after all of my efforts, I'm trying to convince myself that it's just a matter of time for my ankle pain to fully subside.

From all the research I've done (I've spent uncountable hours researching posterior tibial tendon repair surgeries!), I see over and over that until about nine–12 months, ankle surgery patients are still suffering and feeling some sort of pain on a daily basis. Yeah, that would have been great information for my podiatrist to give me before and after my surgery!

My only criticism of my podiatrist is that he definitely should have prepared me for a year-long recovery! Yet nothing in our appointments leading up to my surgery ever indicated such a lengthy, complicated, heart-wrenching recovery! But maybe it's just me who's struggling? #idon'tthinkso! 😒 I'm sincerely not trying to diss my podiatrist—I know he's one of the best podiatrists in my area—but I honestly wonder what he was thinking when he prepared me for surgery and left out the vitally important year-long-recovery bit?!?! #frustration!

*One of the reasons I continue sharing my experiences with posterior tibial tendon surgery recovery is to help others in the same boat know what to expect. I've been greatly helped by people online sharing their experiences with the same surgery I had, so I hope I can help someone else navigate this painful process in the future!

I promise, I don't mean to sound so gloomy! I'm just being realistic. Recovering from major ankle surgery is a major deal, plain and simple!

The good news is, I am getting stronger! Yay! When I first began my new at-home physical therapy regimen (after I finished my in-office physical therapy—December 27th, 2016), I was ridiculously sore every single day. I almost couldn't even stand to walk around my house! No pun intended! It took everything inside of me to keep doing my physical therapy routine on a daily basis. After I completed my first week of at-home physical therapy, I finally began to feel a little less sore. At week two, I thought, "I'm going to survive!" 😊

As I've said before, obedience takes strength! And it took a lot of physical, emotional, and spiritual strength for me to stick with my entire physical therapy program (in-office and at-home) for 17 full weeks!

Thus, there really aren't enough positive words/sayings/descriptions to express how thrilled I was when I completed my entire physical therapy program on February 8th, 2017! Aahh! 😁 I was beyond excited and happy to finally be rid of my daily physical therapy routines! I don't know if I've ever been so tired and filled with pain for such a long period of time. So yeah, it feels unbelievably great knowing I've done my very best! 

As I've continued recovering, I've been exercising to my PiYo videos occasionally over the past several weeks. PiYo has been really fun(!), but I could tell after completing several videos that Fankle wasn't doing very well with it—even though it's pretty much all non-impact. Near the beginning of doing PiYo, my ankle began swelling again and I took it as a sign that I needed to back off the serious exercising for a few more weeks. Lately, Fankle has been much less swollen, and I'm really excited about that improvement! 😀

*Side note: One of my physical therapists said it would take about six months for the swelling in my ankle to go completely away, and she was right. It was probably around six-and-a-half months when Fankle finally stopped being swollen consistently every day. As I've begun month seven of my recovery, the swelling is pretty much gone! Hip hip hooray! Occasionally I'll have some swelling right around my surgical site if I've been on my feet for many hours without taking a break. But I think it's safe to say that the extreme swelling I endured for so many months on end is (hopefully) a thing of the past!

My great news happened on February 4th when I s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d my ankle while reading a book in bed. (That sounds lazy, but I literally had no more get up and go juice left inside of me! I was beyond exhausted and simply had to take a break. If I hadn't fully rested that day, I honestly think I could have fallen asleep in the middle of my day!) Let me explain...

One of the things I did while recovering from my longboarding accident—before my surgery—was stretching my ankle by pulling my toes upward. Whenever I did that motion (usually in bed while I was barely waking up) I felt a sickening, prickly, stinging sensation in my posterior tibial tendon. Yes, it was very painful, but it was also the strangest feeling i'd ever experienced. At the time, I couldn't pinpoint what that pain was; what was causing it; what it meant; or how describe it to anyone, but now I know better!

It sounds horrible, but I know now that every time I stretched my toes and pulled my foot upward (before my surgery), I was pulling apart any healing that my posterior tibial tendon had accomplished. 😓 I'm guessing I probably made my torn tendon worse with every foot flex! I shudder to think about those icky moments!

So, four Saturdays ago, when I was stretching my foot like I had many times in the past, I felt something very different. I suddenly felt strength in my posterior tibial tendon! Yes, I still have ankle pain (probably from scar tissue), but I no longer feel the same weakness, or experience that intense fear/worry that I've endured for so many months. (It's been nine months {tomorrow} since my accident!) I nearly cried tears of joy for feeling that new strong sensation! I only hope that lovely feeling continues!

I'm sure some of you will laugh at me for sharing this, but one of the things that's been sooo hard for me is not being able to wear every pair of my favorite high heels like I want. Yes, I'm able to wear wedges and many versions of high heels, but I haven't been able to wear all of my awesome platform high heels just yet—Fankle is simply not ready for them. Even though I have so many cute pairs of high heels that I really want to wear to church again (and my church wardrobe is subsequently smaller because some of my dresses are too long for non-platform shoes), I'll have to continue being patient. #thestoryofmylife! 😂

I repeatedly tell myself, "Wait until ____ months, then reevaluate where you are. Maybe after ____ months you can wear those platform high heels again!" It's become quite comical (and frustrating) that I'm still telling myself that same bit of advice no matter how many months pass! The good news is, I can see real progress in my high-heal-wearing abilities! 👠 I'm getting better and better at wearing them with each passing Sunday! #yayme! I don't want to get overly excited, but I think I might be able to wear all of my shoes (for limited periods of time) within another month or two! #freakin'hallelujah! I'll just have to patiently wait and see...

One area of my recovery that continues to puzzle me is that my posterior tibial muscle itself continues to be so darn tight and achy all along/behind my tibia. I keep thinking it will loosen up one of these days, but it's not happening. Yes, I expected my tendon to be tight because it had surgery and the scar tissue has built up—but not my entire muscle!

There are days when I just want to take a big soup spoon and push/dig/scrape my posterior tibial muscle until it finally relaxes! That sounds insane, but I can't describe it any other way. Plus, the posterior tibial muscle is just super hard to get at. I've watched massage videos to see how they access it, but I've not been very successful at it myself. The good news is, my muscle tightness has improved/relaxed a teeny bit over the past month! It's by no means perfect yet, but I'm finally catching this little glimmer of hope that one day I won't want to dig my calf muscle with a soup spoon! Ha ha. 😄

I'm also beyond ready to be able to run up and down my stairs again! It's crazy to think how much the little things bother us when we aren't able to do them anymore. I had years when I was exhausted every day because of my hypothyroidism, and running up/down the stairs was the last thing I wanted to do! Yet, oh my, what I wouldn't give to be able to fully bound up and down the stairs any time I want! That said, I've felt a smidgen of improvement on my stairs the past couple of weeks! I tried bounding just a little bit, and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be! Yay! Thus, I'm going to keep trying a little more every day! Within reason, of course...

One thing that has helped me tremendously over the past several weeks was something President Russell M. Nelson said in his most recent Worldwide Devotional. He said (these are separate paragraphs throughout his talk—emphasis added),

"When I was a young medical student, my rigorous study of the human body convinced me that God lived. And as I came to know that the body was God’s creation, I became increasingly intrigued with the [divine laws] of God that govern the function of the body." 

"Divine law is incontrovertible and irrefutable. Divine law cannot be denied or disputed." 

"...Not even for God’s prophet could the [divine] law relating to the transmission of electricity be ignored." 

"In a coming day, you will present yourself before the Savior. You will be overwhelmed to the point of tears to be in His holy presence. You will struggle to find words to thank Him for paying for your sins, for forgiving you of any unkindness toward others, for healing you from the injuries and injustices of this life."

While President Nelson was mainly referring to heart surgery in this example of divine law, the Holy Ghost helped me take his words in a completely different direction because I needed that spiritual uplift. 😇

As I thought about my human body in relation to what President Nelson taught, I internalized that our Heavenly Father's divine laws also apply to me.

I thought about the fact that tendons are one of the s.l.o.w.e.s.t. healing tissues in the human body.

I thought about the fact that my ankle's blood supply isn't the greatest right where the posterior tibial tendon is. Yet I know that's exactly how the human body had to be formed—because what if our ankles had a gushing blood supply like we do in our heads? Can you imagine the amount of blood that would pool/escape if/when we accidentally cut our feet? If we had the same amounts of blood in our feet as we do in our heads, we could bleed out so very quickly because of gravity pulling the blood away from our hearts.

I also thought about the fact that the posterior tibial tendons are two of the most important tendons in the human body! Because of their great importance in holding up the arches of our feet, of course the posterior tibial tendons take even longer to heal than most other tendons—more of our mobility is at risk, so they must be darn well strong enough to support our bodies' "suspension bridges"!

I thought about how any tissue in the human body won't grow to its full potential unless and until it is worked and moderately stressed. Without resistance, human tissues atrophy—which is exactly what happened when I was fully protected by my boot/cast and crutches! My calf muscle shrank an enormous amount. And my thigh and buttock muscles shrank a pretty significantly, too. Yes, I had to let my ankle tissues (posterior tibial tendon, tendon sheath, flexor retinaculum, skin) heal from the surgery, but they were nowhere near completely healed until the pressure, weight, and stretching happened from putting my full body weight on my foot. Basically (and obviously!), I had to work to regain my ankle motion and muscle strength!

In further pondering my ankle's recovery and divine law, I find it fascinating that we are commanded to work. Our Heavenly Father's divine law dictates that our growth and healing—whether it be physical or spiritual—won't ever be complete unless we work. Jesus Christ's work is what created our beautiful Earth, and His work is precisely what will bring us back to our Heavenly Father. He said, "For behold, this is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." (Moses 1:39.)

Jesus Christ is the perfect example of our Heavenly Father's divine law in action! Because of His example, I know that the same divine law that required our Savior to atone for our sins (and die for each one of us) applies to me and my Fankle recovery.

*Before anyone thinks I'm being sacrilegious, please know that I fully understand that my ankle surgery and recovery are nowhere near the Atonement, Crucifixion, and Resurrection. I'm simply stating the fact that divine law applied to Jesus Christ, and divine law applies to me, too.

When I remember to think of my recovery in terms of divine law, I have greater patience in my daily ankle pain and the exhaustion of my recovery. Best of all, I have true hope for a full recovery one day! #prettyplease?! Thus, I'm working at keeping the perspective of divine law in my mind at all times. Of course, some days are easier than others, but I keep trying! 👍 😎

Finally, while I've spent an extensive amount of time complaining in this post about my situation, fatigue, and pain, I want it to be known that the positive difference between Fankle at six months and seven months (first week of February, 2017–first week of March, 2017) is significant. 😀 I most definitely see progress since I finished my at-home physical therapy! And that is a positive I'm trying to remember every day! #somedaysarebetterthanothers I simply wish that my ankle recovery was progressing faster than it is!

Thus, we see that as much as I've felt successful at gaining patience over my lifetime (I've improved a lot, I promise!), I obviously have more work to do! #don'tweall?! I absolutely know that our Heavenly Father sees my progress (And my blessed angels are taking notes! 😇 Ha ha.), but He clearly wants more for my soul, thus, here I still find myself, standing in this extended Fankle-recovery position.

I will absolutely keep going no matter what! I won't ever give up! I will continue working diligently to regain my ankle function, and I'll get myself back in shape to the very best of my ability! But I know both of those goals will take time, and I'm in it for the long haul. As much as I can't wait for all of those positive things to happen (I'm so excited to be fully healed and physically fit again!), I will wait because I have no other option! 😉